Jul 22, 2013

I have a story in this anthology of short fiction inspired by David Lynch:


Also a new piece of flash fiction online here. It's named after a Notorious B.I.G. song, which should be reason enough to read it.

I am moving to Canada eventually.

My back hurts a lot.

I am reading a book on neuro-linguistic programming.

One of my buses home didn't show today, so I had to walk to catch another bus. No problem.

Apr 29, 2013

I held a promotional contest during March, and one of the rewards was free janitorial service for anyone in the Portland area who reviewed my book. Bradley Sands did not review my book; but he DID blurb it; and although he did not blurb it during Lent, when the contest was held, he DID get elected Pope (replacing Pope Benedict XVI), and he used his papal power to declare himself winner of my contest for no reason whatsoever.

So, last Sunday, I cleaned his room.

I arrived at Bradley's house in character, as the JANITOR OF PLANET ANILINGUS. I was so in character, it was like there was no such person as "Andy Adams" anymore; there was only the JANITOR OF PLANET ANILINGUS. (I like to imagine those caps lock letters being said in a really big, echoey voice.)

Unfortunately, my authentic janitor coveralls inexplicably caught fire the night before, so I had to improvise a new, inauthentic costume.

 

Aware of the inauthenticity of my inauthentic costume, I affixed an authentic name tag to it to eliminate any chance of confusion.

 

Bradley was ecstatic when I rang his broken doorbell and informed him that he had "won" (extorted) free janitorial service for 24 hours (or for 20 minutes; whichever came first). He invited me in with a menacing glare. He informed me that, if I did a good job, he would reward me with his dad's collection of Time magazines.

 

I started cleaning. I cleaned Bradley's window, his broken mirror, and some streaks on the wall. I stayed the full 24 hours... not sleeping, not eating, not once breaking character, a janitor inside and out, annihilating every speck of uncleanliness in that room (there were many specks). No matter what Bradley says, we did NOT just end up playing with his cat and going to get burritos and milkshakes.

While cleaning Bradley's bedroom, I found two comic books that Bradley had thought lost forever (and over whose lose he had wept bitterly for two months straight). Each of these comics is valued at over $1,000,000. Look how happy my discovery made him:


Bradley then proceeded to kick me out of his house so that he could go on an online shopping spree with all that money. He bought a monster truck.


My time spent being Bradley's janitor was so mind-expanding that I've decided to extend my offer indefinitely: from now until forever, anyone in the Portland area who reviews my book, Janitor of Planet Anilingus, is eligible for free janitorial service for 24 hours (or for 20 minutes; whichever comes first). And when I'm done cleaning, we can play with your cat (you DO have a cat, don't you?) and go get burritos and milkshakes. It'll be fun.

Apr 10, 2013

Apr 4, 2013

40 DAYS OF BIZARRO CATHOLICISM has ended. No one won a damn thing. No, that's not true; someone won a t-shirt. I put it in the mail today. I'm pretty disappointed that I didn't sell 93 copies of my book and have to fulfill my guarantee to convert to Catholicism. Guess I could just convert to Catholicism anyway.

Oh yeah, does it seem like I'm just callously mocking religion? I hope not. I don't actually like to mock things, I like to celebrate things. But in my own way.

Hey, look: